Many of us view loss in a very limited way. We see it as the end of something, period. Seeing things in such a black and white way, i.e., a beginning and end, right and wrong, shadow and light, is at times helpful. But it can also be limiting and may bring unnecessary pain.
The limiting perspective that may come about from seeing life in this way also brings about a certain amount of expectation. We assume that because it happened a specific way last time it will happen that way again. And when it is different, we might experience disappointment or confusion. Of course, things can happen almost exactly like they did last time, but each year or each time you experience something, be it for the first time or the 10th time, it is different.
Allowing ourselves to know that each experience in life is different than the one before helps keep some of those expectations at bay, thus enabling us to see (or at least be aware) that it can be different this time.
Of course, there are certain circumstances in life that dictate when we take certain actions, we can expect certain results, such as: we buy something, bring it home and we expect it to work; or we ask someone to do something and they do it. And what if that merchandise doesn't work or that person doesn't do what we have asked? Did we have expectations? Yes. Is it all right to have expectations? Of course! So, I want you to use your discretion.
Challenging ourselves to step outside the box and see things from a different perspective will, over time, allow us to have more peace in our lives.
Loss of Relationships
Relationships end. That is just part of life. However, how we receive it and perceive the end of relationships is up to us.
I'm famous for telling my friends and family that "People come into our lives exactly when they are supposed to, and they leave exactly when they're supposed to." When we try to change that scenario, we cause some of the pain we experience in life.
It's hard to let friends come and go, but we must remember that they are growing in different ways than we are. Their journeys sometime take a different turn than our own and, at times, their roads come back to the same road we are on.
Everyone is on their own journey and at times we journey together; some longer than others. Each person comes into our lives to teach us something.
Relationships end in different way. Sometimes we have a choice, and sometimes we don't. Whether we do or don't isn't the question. The question is: what did that relationship teach us?
Everyone we meet in life is a teacher of something. Look past those bodily identifications we blind ourselves with and see the teaching of that person.
Is it humility, compassion, boundaries, faith, love, pride, friendship, respect? What did you learn from your teachers today?
Loss of Jobs
I've lost several jobs, but the one that rocked my boat more than any other was when I left a job that I dearly loved and worked the hardest I ever worked in my life for. I left the job because the company was bought out by another company, and people and things were changing faster than I liked.
But when I left that job, I left behind that identity. I had built that company from zero sales to over 20 million dollars a year in sales in only three years. I was a very successful sales manager. It was a product that I loved and was very passionate about. I basically made it my life for those three years and when I left, all I had was a void, a big hole.
It doesn't really matter that I'm the one who made the decision to leave the job. The point is that the job I identified myself with was gone.
Fortunately, I had others in my life that helped remind me that "when one door closes, another opens" and that there would be other jobs for me.
What I noticed was how quickly I let my passion drive me so deep into the job and how I lost sight of what was my most important part of my life, my spiritual welfare.
Luckily, during that period of my life, almost everything else was going well... at least on the outside. I had a well-paying job that I loved and they loved me. I had purchased my first home. I was able to afford private schooling for my kids. I had a brand new car (the newest Volvo on the market). I was beginning to put together a retirement plan and more. My marriage was showing signs of deterioration, but that had been happening for a while, even before this new job.
What I had put on the back burner was what helped me get where I was: my spiritual life. It was alarming how quickly that was pushed aside and forgotten. But I did forget and, because of that, when I left that job I was lost for a while.
What that looked like was a loss of my confidence at my new job. My honesty wasn't at the standard I was used too (I wasn't putting in the time I said I was putting into my job), I didn't care as much as I did with the other job. This was all understandable, but I also began to get a sense of resentment concerning my old job.
The resentment was what brought me back to my spiritual practice. I wasn't comfortable with having things rattle around my head for long periods of time or having displaced anger come out because of the resentment.
Today, I know the most important aspect of my day is my prayer, meditation and reading. I won't allow anything to get in the way of one or all of those things. That is what anchors me. Everything else is secondary. Now I know that might not work for others, but, believe me, we can all take a few minutes each morning to say "Good Morning" to God or we'll eventually being saying "Good God, it's morning." The choice is ours.
Loss of Loved Ones
Death happens every day. People come into our lives and then they leave. The death of a loved one is surely one of the hardest experiences in life to endure. And we are powerless over it.
We each have our own way and time frame for mourning. So I am not going to speak much on those topics, I will assume you are doing everything you need to do to take care of yourself.
I'd like to share with you some of how death came to me and how my perception evolved into a Bigger Picture.
I happen to have experienced more death than some and not as much as others in my time here, so far.
With each loss, death was different. My first couple of experiences with death included my cousin who died in Viet Nam and, around the same time, my Grandmother, who was the only grandparent I knew. I was about 12 years old.
I didn't know what death was. I was saddened by everyone else's sorrow. I didn't know my cousin well, and my grandmother was an old Irish immigrant who didn't talk much, at least not to me. I believed that they went to heaven and didn't think much more about it.
When my parents died a few years later (I was 15 when Dad died, and six months later when Mom died I was 16), I was somewhat aware they were dying. Both were in the hospital when they died and had been sick for some time before that. So on some level, I knew it was coming. But just the same, I couldn't quite grasp what was happening.
My feelings were numb, except for anger. That is all I felt for a long time. When my parents died, nobody talked about their deaths with me. Even the priest at the funeral was vague... something about how they were good people and that they went to heaven. I was angry and confused because I knew at the end of their lives they were not good people and questioned how God could take them.
Let me back up a little. My parents were good people, but they had the disease of alcoholism that ate away at them in every way. What I had experienced for several years prior to their death was the devastation of their alcoholism. So I was not only angry, but very confused.
A couple of years after that, my best friend died. Once again, anger and numbness were the feelings that emerged. A few years after that, my younger brother passed on and I was able to feel more, and understand more.
At the time of my younger brother's passing, I was a monk. I lived in an ashram and was studying scriptures that talk about the cycle of life and death, reincarnation, our purpose in life, where we were going after life on earth, and how we got there. I was tapped into the Bigger Picture; the Bigger Picture being that life around us is not all there is to life. That Life is much more than going to school, finding a job/career, settling down and having a family, buying the house and summer home, being the best you can, etc. While those things are important, they are not what life is all about. Life was also was about developing my Inner Self. In fact, the outer world was important, but more important was my Inner World... the Kingdom of Heaven within. All the religions teach it: be in this world, but not of it.
By now, my knowledge of death had grown. I had a belief and faith in what life here on earth was for and where we were going to after it.
What a difference that made going forward.
I had several more deaths of close friends and even had a few near death experiences, myself, and then there was the death of my fiancée.
Having knowledge about life and death, and that you just don't die and then nothing else happens or that you go into a big void was very helpful in the process of grieving for me.
After lots of reading and research I have found that the major religions basically say the same thing about life and death.
That we are here to live life by following the Laws of God (basically, love God, live a moral life and not hurt others, but there is more) and, most importantly, to develop and continually improve our relationship with the God of our understanding.
Each of us deals with loss in a different way. You'll know you're on course when things like death knock on your door. When you know the Bigger Picture of Who you really are, Why you are here, and Where you are going afterward, you'll have that anchor in life. You won't be tossed around when the "storms of life" hit you. They will rock you, but you won't be lost at sea.
Find those teachings that give you your anchor and remember that even those teachings will continue to change and grow as you do.
Michael Hoare, D.D., is an author, minister and certified Angel Therapy Practitioner. He is the author of "Returning to WHOLENESS... Discovering Ah-Man," which chronicles his journey to recovery and redemption and the founding of his spiritual recovery program: Ah-Man. Through a series of retreats and one-on-one counseling sessions, Hoare teaches men and women to embrace the Ah-Man within them by creating a loving relationship with one's self, God and others; openness with other people; a sense of integrity; and the ability to communicate; all by incorporating trust, forgiveness and acceptance, thus allowing them to reach spiritual recovery and wholeness while attaining personal healing.
